Growing up as an insect
I wanted to die
I had a suicide pact with myself to die by my 16th birthday. Homelife as an outcast was so miserable that I started seeking help from counselors in junior high school. My first suicide attempt was when I was @ 13 and started cutting myself.
Since childhood I had grown up believing I had no value and that my life had no more value than an insect.
I had had a suicide pact with myself since I was @ 12 to die on my 16th birthday. Praise God He had other plans. I failed year after year. That 22nd birthday He gave me a new life.
God bless you my friends who helped pull me through those years. I had grown up believing that my life had no more value than an insect and it was with the help and support of my friends that I made it through.
Praise God that He is a God of miracles. The bullet started entering my eye socket and hit my eye... As you can see in my skull exrays the major part of the bullet is still lodged in my right eye socket. Part of the white of my eye turned black, and I had double vision and impaired mobility of the eye for many years as my eye muscles in that section of my eye rubbed over and around the bullet protruding into my eye socket, but God healed it and my eyes now are able to track just fine, with almost no double vision. I praise God that I am not blind, and can still see. (20/20 vision since lasik!) Praise God that the bullet fragments into my head did not creates such brain damage that I was able to work on several degrees and graduate college with honors
I had grown up believing that my life had no more value than an insect, and
I was an athiest and did not believe in God at the time, I hated myself and had lost hope and felt like such a failure.
It was the day after my 22nd birthday... I was breaking up from an abusive relationship and losing my apartment, lost my car in a recent divorce with Al, had to drop out of college, was unemployed, had two cats and no where to go. I was waiting with my cats and exboyfriend sitting on my bathroom floor, with the gun to my head for 45 mins. waiting for my exhusband Al to return from the liquor store... to ask him to be sure he would take care of my 2 beloved cats. My exboyfriend was trying to talk me out of suicide and get the gun away from me. God bless him.
Sitting and waiting for so long I had gotten tired of holding the gun in my right hand so switched it to my left hand kinda resting my elbow in my lap while pointing the gun towards my neck and head. My brother Toto knocked on the door and asked me not to hurt myself, when my mother (who had been helping me pack up and move into a UHaul truck to park in the parking lot of where her apartment was) suddenly burst open the bathroom door saying "what's going on?" and I startled and the gun went off.
The bullet entered half ways up my left side of neck and went through the back of my throat through the top of my mouth through my sinues into my right eye socket.
(it was a hollowpoint bullet that explodes on impact so it leaves a bigger hole going out.)
Fortunately my exboyfriend God bless him, had been a premed student and knew and was able to shove his thumb into my carotid artery and curtail some of the bleeding. None the less I could not close my mouth because of all the blood pulsing out of it.
Thank God, fortunately trauma centers were a brand new experimental concept in those days and there was one only 10-15 minutes away at the University of California Davis/Sacramento Medical Center, so there were 9 doctors waiting when the ambulance got there... concious, 2/3 of my blood gone, joking and ready to die. Actually I had an out of body experience as the doctors were working on me, prepping me to wheel me into surgery. Later in ICU the hospital chaplain performed last rites. God healed it all and He has restored full normal functioning.
The Pedersen Family Hate Club is In Session
The hate club!!!!!! Mama actually had named it the Hate Club! That is such an incredibly immature, destructive, and dysfunctional level to relate on... especially within a family.
Rule #1: Choosing sides!? Is there any easier way of dividing family??? The Hate Club? I had forgotten all about that crazy abuse ritual.. What a way to destroy a family.... to see who can side up against Mama's outcast, the weakest, to disrespect, belittle, mock, abuse, control, and take over what is not theirs... at no matter what costs. And particularly against when someone is speaking out about the abuse and dysfunction!
And then through hatred, false witness and lies trigger enforcers to act and do the “dirty work.” Mama actually brought strangers into live in the house to use violence to act out Mama's orders on us kids. Just like Tassinka and Eugenie manipulating and setting up Kim and the satanic and internet threats... Greg and the restraining order... etc.
Rule #2: The Hold Others to the Psychopath Profile Definition Game To Avoid Dealing with Anny's Actual Illness of Depression! I fogot all about that sick ritual and game. Papa had been diagnosed anti-social personalty disorder and sociopathic by government doctors who denied top secret security job clearance for his work in the development of sattelite communications.... based on my father's violence to my mother and brother and allegedely lying about whether my brother as a toddler was kept tied up and beaten in the basement with clotheline or chains, plus based on a gay experience in the US Navy.
My mother (who had been raised by strict and sometimes cruel and sadistic nuns in French and Swiss private boarding schools) repeatedly and deliberately had set my brother up for harsh sadistic punishment even long after my brother's behavior had changed, but to use and set up my brother as the victim of my father's violent temper in order to discredit my father
Oh God how Mama and family started the game as we were kids and would sit around the kichen table night after night, year after year with us kids in attendence of the Pedersen Family Hate Club holding Papa up to the psychopath profile definition searching for the tiniest fault, in the most extreme context and blow up that context and build on gossip, false witness, and lies to build such rage to manipulate others to act out in anger and fear... to even planning in detail how we would kill Papa and as children sleeping with knives and weapons under our pillows, and having us lying to doctors and judges about baby Toto being chained in the basement when he was actually tied up with clotheslines.
Wow, and build such fear and rage and jealously or meeting on the phone for hours. The mockery! The laughter! Blowing things into ever bigger and bigger proportions! Ted never got to know him as a child or adult... nor relate to Papa, me, Toto, or the rest of us
Then there was the holding Toto or me as the target of thePsychopath Profile Definition Game for having any communication with Papa after the divorce, particularly me since Toto rarely lived or grew up at home but in state protective custody!
SubRule: The false witness and lies of my being made out to be threatening, violent, harassing, unstable... OMG... the memories makes me wanna puke the memories The hate and revenge for having communication with Papa! Oh God what a sick, horrible game to play. Then Ken and his family joined in too, to cover Ken trying to smash in baby Greg's head in with a hammer during a rage.
Game Note: Particularly identifying psychopaths in view in total denial of and despite professional medical diagnosis, and lack of professional training or knowledge of the DSM-IV to deflect the attention from the real abusers.
Rule #3: The Denial Game. Deny Anny's Depression and PTSD, be ignorant of symptoms and treatment protocal, ridicule, belittle me, antagonize, discriminate, abuse, refuse to cooperate with treatment protocal. Instead of dealing with medical truth and treatment use the Hold Others to the Psychopath Profile Game.
Deliberately use the stigmatization of mental illness to mislead and scare friends, relatives, and other people.
Rule #4: The Insect. I am not worth more than an insect. My life has no value. It can be sqashed like a bug... a spider. Talk about it but don't talk to it. Have it be the tester, guinea pig, worker ant, scape goat and if it turns out to be beneficial then take the little ant hill over. My feelings, preferences, opinions, and statements do not count unless filtered, twisted, and turned back against me.
Rule #5: Ted, Eugenie, and Tassinka have rarely ever, ever been able to talk to me. It has always been talk bout me but not to me, unless to mock, twist, censor, and throw back what I say.
Ted was never able to talk to me while growing up and still can not talk to me. Dysfunctional communication and conflict resolution skills has been lifelong in my family.
Rule #6: Keep the outcast out of the loop of information... and transmit false informtion so when they try and speak up they will appear idiotic and better yet, like a psychopath. If they get mad for the deception, then label the outcast person a psychopath.
Rule #7: Crazy violence... a therapist calls it murderous rage, and how Mama would manipulate it. Mama manipulating Papa into beating Toto as a baby. Mama's boasts of her 3 attempts to abort me. Mama hanging my cat from the bushes, and blaming me for killing her... Ted pulling a knife on me when I wouldn't let him an unliscensed minor drive my Citroen DS 21 Pallas. Ken's attempt to smash in Greg's skull with a hammer because I lovcd Greg. Greg's restraining order. Kim's last 10 years of satanic websites, internet threats, death thrests, so much crazy shit. What a fucked up, senseless, and messed up level to relate and communicate hate on.... so much crazy shit over so many years. It must stop. I want it to stop. This family is so toxic and harmful to my well-being. God bless those who have prayed and counseled for bringing healing to my family.
There are so many healthier and more loving levels to relate and communicate on. Try DBT communications skills for example.
I am not a member of the Pedersen Family Hate Anny, Papa, Toto Hate Club. Just a victim. I left all that when I left home when I was a teenager.... wow.. .almost 40 years ago.
But it sure looks like the Pedersen Family Hate Anny Hate Club is bigger and stronger and more hateful than ever... with Eugenie and Tassinka, in charge as they stive to take over my Norway inheritance. That is like over the top crazy dysfunctional ... and look at how many generations of family effort have been hurt, lost, and destroyed... present and past. Toto has also been kept out of the loop of honest communication, as has Kim, as we dissolve and distribute our Norway inheritance slipping away through our fingers and family graves desicrated by the neighbors.
Thank God that women in this country can raise their children and leave their crazy and abusive families and husbands and build a new life on their own, work, earn higher educational degrees, own their own land, homes, and businesses.
Thank God for delivering me from leaving my home and family, and Praise God for giving me a second chance at life when the bullet ripped through my head and His Hand stopped that bullet at my eyeball.
Praise God for saving my life so I could start experimenting with the concept of a God existing, and Jesus rising from the dead, and coming to know God and that He does exist and is still performing Miracles today, and see with my own eyes how that He is indeed a God of Miracles. My xrays are proof of Miracles. And Praise God that He delivered me and healed me from a childhood of such self-hatred, torture, and anguish and beliefs that I was worth no more than an insect.
For I am a beloved child of God and a welcome member in His Everlasting Loving family.
sad 
tired 
